I wasnt that sad when I know who I am to you. I was kinda surprised too myself but again I guess it kinda solves my doubt all along.
You are not Peter Pan, I guess.
Peter Pan long lost in Never Never Land.

I say....
不用麻烦了不用麻烦了不用麻烦不用麻烦了不用麻烦了
你们一起上我在赶时间

Heee

It is only like after half an hour (and seemly more) then I've decided what to wear tomorrow and it still doesn't seem like a brilliant choice.

I dread of doing the right match of clothing for work.
The colours must go then the kinda accessories and the shoes (and bag) to go alone with it. It is such a chore when all you have is like so damn limited.
Limited perhaps to each definition but again it's not that I owed a Zara/Mango range of wardrobe.

The itch (of my throat) always get worse at night during this timing, especially at night. I barely sleep well last night.

November theme: Seek for new inspirations, abandon old feelings and prepare for Xmas.

Maybe I can blog better tomorrow.
Nov coming soon!!
My lungs are so gonna blow up!

In an attempt to make my throat worse and voice gone, I think I made it better with chips and chocolate.
Damnit!

The October Revolution

Being voiceless ain't that bad for me, think I can shut up the whole day and won't die.
I have a funny "bad" feeling inside me and I have no idea what it's all about.
Call it a hunch or simply the Monday blues approaching faster than it should be?
It has been shining too brightly and raining too suddenly lately.
All in all, just can't wait for this fucking month to end.

The October Revolution.
If you know your history well, you know what this is. (For me, I just picked them from the TV while I'm flipping channels.)

October...a month that's too long and time wasting.
Life seems in a trance while you are at it.

The Miscellaneous

Perhaps I failed to realise that Peter Pan is by my side all the time or have I blindly mistaken another?

N'thing much to type cos' I'm really voiceless. Somehow I wish not for its recovery, not that soon.

The super damn sweet mango pomello (sp?) at Bishan. It's so damn sweet that it won't even glide down your throat smoothly.
Not that it's cheap though.

Some yummy cupcakes at GWC basement. You can check out all the sins there. Meant for suckers.(I meant price wise)

I picked the heart shaped donut from the donuts Tracy bought the office. Was eating alot then and the aftermath still remained on my face and waist.

Were the last customers at Suntec Fish & Co. I liked the black tables and the really friendly staff.

Was inspired by Von's last shoes photo during the last gathering. Took this one at Novena Sq's NIKE. Nine shoes in total too. Heng the staff never scold me.

Took this at Novena Sq's MPH on the Lust Caution poster. Tony Leung look so Dracula in the pic. Awful!


Spent a few hours waiting for Jason after work on a Saturday. Was so bored that I squeezed all the bears at Orchard Popular and made them took a FRIENDs pic.

You gotta admit that Sony Ericsson's camera is better than Nokia. Same 2 mpx but the pic seems so much clearer from Jason's crumpy dunno what model. And Julius' ice-cream won't melt even if you tilt it the other way round...for a few minutes under the sun.

That was yesterday at Lot 1's Pasta Mania. Jason got that Atom O2 phone right now and back to bad quality 2 mpx.

This looks like a student pass pic. I felt I look like one that day when I took morning leave and preparing back to work, still sick.
I miss poly!

Us today at the boring Tiong Bahru's Mcdonald. He got a fever though. Funny pic.

I dunno what you think but I thought I look "weirder" than in the past as I look at the pictures. I dunno just not as gr8 and..older? Sucks..it's all in the same year,ya know.

Nonetheless..Good night.
I wanna get a mini Peter Pan tatoo behind my neck!

I'm so gonna get this

Just can't wait to wear it around my neck.

Peter's darling.

I coughed till my throat is injured.Haha.
I'm so sickly in love with Peter Pan and people are gonna laugh at me.
Kenn told me I'm overage so Peter Pan won't entertain me. -_-"

For personal reasons and perhaps some childhood knots, I kinda yearn for a boy like Peter Pan. (Don't you find him so smart, witty handsome?)
Do you know(I think noone will know like noone would be interested in the first place) that there is a sequel to Peter Pan?
I only read it recently. (By recently, I meant 2 days ago?) It's called Return to Neverland.
It was written that after returning Wendy Darling back to London, Peter promised to bring her back to Neverland once a year. Somehow it was only realised 20 years had passed and of cos' Wendy had grew up,married with children, leaving a heart broken Peter.
Peter however took her daughter, Jane to Neverland and there begins the adventure.
Disney,being disney and this tale is never really meant to have that much of a romance content, ceased out the love tale or rather love possibilities between Peter, Wendy or Jane.(Wendy's daughter)

I just find it sad when they are like from 2 different stories but somehow joined together but still meant to part.

By now probably alot of people would have forgotten about Peter Pan, much less be interested. Kids perhaps don't even know that there is a fairytale called Peter Pan.

SO what is it that I really hope from?

What's next on lusting love?

I think it's a bottle of good perfume.
Should I go feminine Marc Jacobs' DAISY or a more masculine yet sexy one like HUGO?
No Anna Sui,please. I smell the purple French version, so damn sweet that's so fucking choking.

Peter Pan doesnt fly by tonight or have I mistaken you for the owner of that shadow anyhow?
Im gonna look for Peter Pan DVD!

I wanna watch Peter Pan..actually one of my fav fairytale then. Didnt really remember cos' not much of a romance line till I think about it later..
I think Peter Pan is much more good looking than any of the prince.

I took half day off today.
Some major case of headache and I was remedized by a pack of painkiller that costs $24.
$24!That could have last me for maybe 3 days odd.
The cause of bad sleep?
The cause of bad sleep was....

Nonetheless it's 51st month.
Thanks baby...

Peter Pan likes Wendy, fairy is just like a close friend.
You wanna be Peter Pan but I probably just the fairy to you.
Fairy really likes Peter Pan,you know?
But how come I feel more like Wendy. Never get to see Peter again and never get to stay with him?

When you dont think too much, will it really help things?
I think that is another difference between male & female.
I really want to busk in the simplicity of life.
Think simple.Act simple.Lives simple.Love simple.
Beyond that simplicity of a pictures, each colour probably tells a story.

xing tong shi she me yang de xuan lui

Xing tong shi she me yang de xuan lui?
Heartache is what kinda melody?

Wo xiang zhe shi shang hai you bu ke neng de shi.
I think there is still something not possible in this world.

Tan meng gen ben lai zhi bu dong de gu shi.
They came from two different stories.

Zhi shi heng bu xiao xing de peng ge mian.
Just accidentally met each other.

Cheng yi wei shi shang tian de kuan yu.
Once thought it was the graciousness from the upabove.

Shui zhi dao zhe me mei de xuan lui yue tan yue xin ku?
Who knows such beautiful melody would cause such heartache?

Shuo zhi duo pei sao shang le hai xiang zai tan.
Fingers that were burnt from playing still wish to carry on.

Hao xiang, hao xiang tan chu yi ge you jie ju de gu shi.
Wishing so badly to finetune an ending from such story.

Zhi shi shang le ta ren.
But only to hurt someone else.

Bu dong gu shi de ta meng.
They, coming from different stories.

Zhi shi ying wei ta xiang tai duo le ma?
Only because she thinks too much?

Xiang tai duo hai xiang ni.
Think too much but still keep thinking.

Mei you yong qi zai ku qi.
Lost the courage to cry.

Dan kan dao ni de lian,
But your picture surfaces,

Rang wo xiao le...
Let me smile....

He ku le.
And cry.

Xing tong shi she me yang de xuan lui?
What kinda melody is heartache like?

Ta shi ge dong ren de yin fu.
It is a touching tune.

Dan shi you tu.
But probably toxicated.

Neng zai shuo zai jian ma?
Can I say goodbye again?

Neng zai tan yi tan kan ma?
Can I play the song again?

Xiang pao diao.
Wanna runaway.

Have no idea why...I became to "dislike" blogging.
Perhaps too much emotional hurtings were done here previously, perhaps I have no idea what to say here anymore.
It's like everything is moving on fine on the surface but something stopped somewhere back there.
Too much korean flicks? When I saw your face, I was first happy then tears dropped one by one.

I don't know if this is call moving on or just escaping, do you?
The lesser I wrote, the lesser I want to remember.

Oh my goodness..with a new VAIO and I lost all inspirations on blogging!!
All I did was short boring vents.
So fucking boring and I just dunno what else to write.
Getting old or getting old?
Maybe October is just not right for anything.

Some relationships

You just can't fanthom how it ended so soon, too quickly.
It's like yesterday we were still so close then just with a blink, without any notifications, any mistakes or so, everything goes back to like you barely know each other.
It's a lil' cruel and sad but again, I had taste a few times of such that I should not feel too upset over it.
How many times must I say goodbye?

So under the weather

Enuff said..For once, I really yearn for an MC but still I have not reach that stage.
Not gonna do that deliberately but I wanna sleep at home.
Know my blog is getting borier and borier (if there's such word).
Gotta change everything as soon as I had enough of October.
What a long, long month.

I sure can EAT these days

For someone that is a waste for buffets, I sure can eat these days. So much so that I am becoming a "Tele-tummy" (Teletubbies.. -_-)

Guess I'm tired of feeling so much these days and I'm glad that things move on.
You recovered together with my heart.

Anyhow(again) watched Mr Woodcock today. Pretty lame but Seann William Scott just look so nice on certain angles. Honestly I still prefer Kevin James, he's like so cute can?

Thank you for everything, dear.
Dont give up so soon, don't hang on too long.
I guess we have time as judge.

When I said it's not gonna be possible betwen me and him, this deep inside my heart I knew...I think I knew it all along.
Anyhow I am glad that you recovered.
Lung infection is afterall not something that you can overlook. I dunno what made me so worried then but it is all the same reason that I am relieved now.

I once asked myself if Ronald were to appear, what would I do, how would I feel?
I think my heart would crumpled beyond dust and that, noone can replace.

Anyhow...anyhow..(I realised 'anyhow' had became my fav word lately.) Work and tuition is literally pile of shit. More specifically, the latter is pile of fuck!
But sometimes I am often amused by kids' innocence and I realised that perhaps I have been to harsh?
Not to blame me though. Time is not at my side nor the kid's intelligence. I almost bang my head on the table when I heard 1+0=10.
Thinking back, that could be a display of amazing intelligence.

I told my colleague that most of the time we hear the cases of bad boyfriends but I am just the case of the bad girlfriend.

I guess it is time for me to wake up and get over you..I hope.

I am so worried, seriously.
Please...please..get well soon.

Dont give up too soon,,,Don't hang on too long

This was the quoted aphorism from Tuesday with Morrie. Still my favourite read. There is so much wisdom in this small book that I don't understand if people don't read it.

Don't give up too soon, don't hang on too long?
I am just in between of giving up and hanging on? When to give up, when to hang on?What does it brings?

But I guess I am glad that life goes on or at least we made our lives go on as usual.
Kenneth msged me today cos' he was nearby and asked if wanna go back together.
Man...I miss Kenn.
His friendster's shoutout was,""once there lived a matchstick. one day, he scratched his head n died." I couldnt stop grinning to myself.
Anyhow it made me realised what's up with me and IT boys?Ha...But me and Kenn are just friends, it sure is different anyhow.

Yesternight, Jason messaged me a question that felt like pointing a pistol to my head.
He asked if I think I like that boy?
I took a while to answer. I didn't deny that I do not like him but again I couldn't point out what kinda feelings those are.
He said things would be much simpler if Ronald had appeared. He would step away and I will be happy. Things are so complicated now and everything seemed wrong.

Everything seem so wrong now.
I like to think...perhaps it is already all spell out.

你离去那天忽然倾盆大雨
忘记关的窗湿一地


今天的天气是云淡风清
彷佛不记得那一季湿湿的雨季
人总要试著学习往好的地方走下去
别总是在原地

听到朋友谈起你的消息
这段时间你的生活有高也有低
那离开我的原因
已经变成你的伴侣
我只是你的过去
我只是你一段过去

虽然还继续想你
听起来连自己都觉得太煽情
虽然还依旧爱你
看起来又嫌多余

你离去那天忽然倾盆大雨
忘记关的窗湿一地

love! when you come with the burninglamp of pain in your hand
i can see your face and know you as bliss

从此我让四周阳光充裕
喔~喔~喔~喔~
只是记忆里那一扇窗外还没放晴
-Elva Hsiao.

I don't want Jason to read this...

我忍住的情绪在很后面

拼命想挽回的从前

在我脸上依旧清晰可见

How much wrong can I do more?
Is there even a right or wrong for this?

Jason's messages can only start with, "I don't know..."
I have caused many pains before but this is perhaps the worst I've ever did. (And probably the last. Cos' it's either this and/or no more...)

"I don't know what to do about us...After so much trying, it is still the same beginning."
This is his message after our meeting yesterday. We walked and walked but we couldn't find the courage to talk to each other.

The same beginning.
He is right.
It is still the same beginning, even after 4 years, the same knot is still unresolved.
My knot.

This year...There are more unpleasantries than expected and the worse began since April 23rd.
Ironically on our monthly anniversary, our relationship was challenged.
Friends who know this, should need no explaination. All I could say is it is not resolved, as much as I thought it was, or believed it is.

Putting the other guy aside, I figured the problem lies between me & Jason. Or rather me for Jason.
I could have swore if there isn't Ronald or the reappearance of him, I could go on like this forever.
I didn't admit that I love Jason as much as he loves me. I know I didn't but I thought I could be with him forever. It is after all a bliss to find someone who really loves you.
There is no reappearance of Ronald after all these years. Not that I wanna see him again as much as it has been a wish. An unfulfilled wish then.

Maybe it is the unfulfilled wish that changes everything. I believed if there is one true love, even if it is not reciprocated or so, the second one that comes by won't be the same. Not being the same doesn't mean it is not equally heavy just that someone was there first.
Maybe it has to do with how much I want to be his friend, how much I want to talk to him, how much I wish to be with him that remained deep inside. The root of everything.

I don't think I will like someone that much again. That boy's appearance really shocked me from within. I can't tell you where they (Ronald & him) are alike. Was it the height? The eyes? The nose? The voice? Or rather that kinda feeling that connects me when I first saw Ronald?
I dunno if you people can understand how it means to me.
Yes. I am not stupid. He is not Ronald but I NEVER took him as Ronald.
Maybe initially I was confused. Who wouldn't? But I know he isn't Ronald and I never really get to know Ronald from the beginning.

But I kinda selfishly took it as a chance to realise what I haven't in the past. I talked to him, I smiled to him, we even had a walk together during lunch.I kinda initiated everything and you think I probably did that on purpose.
I wouldn't say it was totally unintentional but it was uncontrollable..somehow. How would you stay rational and not rule over by the heart when someone that close was so close to you?
This is the heart's problem.

Soon he went away. He gladly took the opportunity to be attached out from the office. I was upset but guess content in a way. That was when Jason & I experienced the first fall and somehow we managed to scrap through it. Or so I thought.
I be honest with you. During those months, I have not gave up missing him. I wish I could but there would still be days I missed him. Then I consoled myself with the what I have and that is Jason. I never wanna make Jason unhappy with this so I kept this missing, those words...within.

Go ahead and tell me it is a joke? Somehow by a twist of plot, we got in contact again. First it was like a friend, I tell myself. I kept in contact with friends and this should not be more than that.
I don't wanna go on explaining how it is like cos' this should solely be private.
What matters is now.

I asked Jason if he would leave me?
"No..Unless you told me to.."
I asked Jason if he would hate and blame me if the day comes?
"No...it's not like I haven't prepared for it..."

Tell me what should I do. I wouldn't bear hope that perhaps me would get together with another one. Even if it is that boy, the future would be quite uncertain and I can't imagined. And no...I am not saying he likes me even.
But rather tell me what should I do with Jason and me?

Part of me comes crashing down if this relationship falls. But I can't bear the thought of going on to hurt him anymore.
Forget about that boy and carry on?
The reason that I didnt forget him was not totally all about Ronald. If you understand me, it is the feeling. That was the source.

I don't want Jason to read this but I can't pretend or denying him from knowing everything. If I can't tell him face to face, the least I could do is to let him read.
Even if this is most hurting to read...I guess he must read.

I am not afraid that he leaves me. I am not afraid of being alone. These 4 years..so many memories, so many habits...But I dont wanna lie to him. He doesnt wanna leave me when I have nothing and I dont wanna leave him when I have another thing to "cling" on to.

Suddenly I feel that somewhat the plot has been laid and I am just waiting to play along. As if everything has been written in the stars..as if I am born to hurt those who love me but not get the love I want.

Ke yi de hua...Wo zhen de xiang duo qi lai. Amidst of all these emotions bad run, I am still pretending to get on fine outside, doing what I should do.
This is so...if you have no better control, fucking crazy.

How long do I have to play along?

How would you explain fate?
How would you explain love?
How would you explain pain?
How would you explain fear?
How would you explain missing*?

For a very long time, my mp3 is playing "Unspeakable Secret" (Shuo bu chu de mi mi)
I first heard this song before I even watch the show and the tune wont go away.

Do I have to go through this over and over again? Do you really know how painful this is for me?
It doesn't help even if you have been through the same heartache the first time round? Cos' even the second time, the pain is as raw. Probably even worse off cos' you will try to conceal it all.

Sometimes the more you try to suppress an emotion, the deeper it cut through. Just because you don't want to go through the same trial again and don't want to hurt or rather trying to minimize/prevent what pain you can cause, the wound starts to erode.

You dont want to think about it, I swear.Emotions is a blessing, I guess. But overladen with another layer is probably unwanted and a pain.
I wish I think less, feel less.

The funny thing about me being so bad emotional is I never really wanna show it, talk about it and share.

Ni yi ding yao ping an hui lai...

I'm sorry if I hurted you yesterday but the least I want to do is to pretend infront of you also.

Would I really be the first person you would text when you are back?
Yes or no, I just pray for a safe trip.

You know how sometimes people said it is best not to have hopes then to have the crashing feel when they are not realised. I know the correct phrase is not to pine your hopes too high but again when is the time when you have a hope, and it is not flying higher than you try to control?

I guess part of the catalyst is human's greed or desire.
Although there is always this stinging bitter aftertaste each time a hope crash but somehow you still managed to find the very minor sweet taste that's on the other side of the tongue.
Maybe it is the memories..whatever that were left.

Bittersweet aftertaste. That is how memory tastes like.

For some reason...it is the same heart aching feel.
It feels terrible naturally yet it is too a familiar taste.

What did I lost 5 years back?
What did I learn 4 years from then?
What did I gain 0.5year to now?

5 years back I lost a shadow.
4 years from then, I learned or am learning to let go and forget.
0.5 year to now, I gain the same or rather very familiar feel and it is almost going to end the same way.

Funny how somethings in life love to muse.
I am kinda, or almost numb. I feel not the need to express in details what I feel cos' I think I am losing it.

Ridicule me?
Sui pian ba..I also dunno.